Taming the inner busy-body.
Have you ever made the decision to take a little time for yourself - maybe booked a yoga retreat or a massage, or perhaps put aside half an hour to read a book or to take a walk in nature - and then when the allotted time comes your inner busy-body chirps up. This is the voice that does not think you should prioritise yourself. It’s the voice that just loves to tell you what you should be doing instead.
I don’t know what your inner busy-body is like but mine is called Beatrice and her voice is a kind of honey coated passive aggressive that instantly causes me to question what I’m doing. If you’re familiar with ‘Mrs Bouquet’ (spelled Bucket!) from Keeping up Appearances, this is the kind of vibe Beatrice gives as she clip clops around my mind in well polished, slightly too-tight, black court shoes, fake smiling while steam comes out of her ears, dying to get my attention so she can tell me everything I’m doing wrong.
These are some of her choice phrases (as she speaks, she narrows her eyes and raises her eyebrows alarmingly high on her forehead):
‘You mustn’t stop now; there’s so many things on your to-do list. Taking a break or doing something just for you is a luxury, nay an indulgence! Just who do you think you are!’
‘You can have 5 minutes after you’ve done everything else…and be grateful with the 5 minutes; some people don’t even get that!’
‘That extra meditation session you want to do today because you’re starting to feel stressed [insert any other self care activity to suit] isn’t mandatory…but cleaning the house is - think of the germs! Think of the people coming over later!’
‘There’s no point going for a walk right now - I know you’re craving fresh air but you simply won’t enjoy it knowing you have all that admin to do. You’ll only truly deserve it and enjoy it after all your work is done…that’s if you have time.’
‘If you swap the 30 minute bath you want for a 5 minute shower you’ve saved 25 minutes! That’s extra time to be productive! Clean is clean after all - do you really need a time-draining bath?!’
And on and on Beatrice goes. It’s a wonder she doesn’t wear down her neat wedge heals with the circles she paces in day in, day out. In fact the more I pay attention to her, the more she frantically lists off my unfinished tasks, upcoming jobs, things I simply must remember, things I need to help other people remember (not naming any names but this usually refers to the smaller humans I live with).
Your inner busy-body
And I’m not alone (what a relief!). Just in the last 10 days I’ve had 2 people share with me their own experiences with their inner busy-body who (how dare they!) even tried to stop them coming to my class (meditation is kryptonite for Beatrice and her cronies). They also shared their wonderful discovery that meditation helps tame this voice that’s obsessed with getting things done and ticking things off lists and never sitting still. And that with a little practice, you can still meditate when that task master has begun pacing around your mind, you can still find calm and a sense of space amidst this voice.
“I booked onto Emma’s session and thought I’d timed my morning pretty well…until I got caught up in emails and calls! On the way there I was thinking why did I book this? I haven’t got time today. And that was exactly why I needed it. Sometimes making time to stop is exactly what we need when we feel like we don’t have time to stop. After the class, the afternoon suddenly felt more achiveable.”- Kirsty
“I really am starting to feel that my body and brain are recognising the cues for meditating and my mind is learning to switch off from worries that would normally be circling round and round. For me that is a huge achievement and I know it benefits me physically as well as mentally. We came back from holiday on the Saturday, I booked onto the session on the Sunday but by the Monday morning I regretted my decision as my mind was racing about all the things I needed to get done that day and I thought I wouldn't be able to relax into and focus on the meditation - but I did!! It was also a relief to chat to another person who’d had a very similar exprience.” - Sarah
Tips for taming the inner task master
So it turns out Beatrice (or Neville or Cuthbert - whatever yours is called) does get pretty fatigued from all that complaining and bossing around. Given half a chance they begin to yawn. That shrill, unforgiving voice reduces to an incoherent mumbling, soon becoming the nonsensicle mutterings of one who is sleeping and dreaming an unsettling dream. Here’s my top 5 tips for signalling nap time for the inner busy-body:
Create a character: Give them a name, a personality, clothes, a catch phrase - the funnier and more outlandish the better! We know that humour instantly dissolves anger, fear, anxiety and stress. How can you take what they’re saying seriously if the very idea of their persona or demeanour makes you smile? Since mine became Beatrice she doesn’t hold the same power anymore; I sometimes find myself feeling sorry for her!
Make friends: Once you’ve turned the bossy presence into an amusing character, you can cultivate a more positive relationship with those phrases they keep pedalling. So when you hear ‘you don’t deserve to relax; if you’re not busy you’re failing’ you might reply with your inner voice ‘Oh hello Beatrice! I’m afraid I’ll have to disagree with you…I know how to take care of myself and that is NOT failing! Nice shoes by the way!’
Note the feelings and emotions that arise: When the busy body makes an appearance, what do you feel? Angry, worried, overwhelmed, not good enough? Where does this show up in your body? Tightness in your face, tension in your jaw, butterflies in your stomach, light headed? Note everything you observe. No need to judge it or explain it or build a story around it. Simply note it.
Meditate! Any form of focussed attention practice such as a breath or mantra can be great for quieting that bossy-boots voice and anchoring your focus to the present (Beatrice generally resides in the past ‘you should have done that yesterday!’ or the future ‘don’t think you’ll have any time to relax tomorrow - you have a packed schedule and everyone is replying on you!). Or use mindfulness practices to notice and let go of those task master instructions and directions that arise (‘you should be doing laundry right now not meditating - and you forgot to buy milk!!) whatever arises can be witnessed and then released, perhaps breathing it out on the next exhale.
Cultivate the self care mindset: Consciously bathe in the positive feeling you get after choosing to put yourself first and do that thing you love or that helps you relax or find joy or feel rejuvinated. Conjure that feeling when Beatrice pipes up telling you to clean the fridge out rather than meet a friend for a cuppa. Build in a regular gratitude practice to acknowledge the things you do well - including your decision to prioritise your needs, look after yourself and dedicate time for fun, calm, creativity and connection.
After all, we are human be-ings not human do-ings!
I hope this helps to tame and befriend that inner busy-body and I hope you have fun creating your own character…and thank you to the lovely Sarah and Kirsty for sharing their experiences with me and inspiring this blog post.
Emma x